Murphy’s Laws of Hosiery

If they’re expensive, you’ll get a run.
If they’re your last pair, you’ll get a run.
If they’re that weird taupe pair that you have no idea how you acquired, and never go with anything, and are only worn in emergencies, you’ll never get a run. That pair will last forever, and you will never be justified in throwing it away.
If you’re in a hurry, they won’t be clean.
If you’re running late to church, and have just put lotion on your legs, you will struggle with putting them on, and will tear a HUGE hole in them with your thumbnail. You’ll be wearing a short skirt, and the hole will be noticeable. You’ll look for another pair, and realize that’s your only one (except that weird taupe pair). You’ll contemplate going without them, but you’ll take one look at your translucent white legs with maps of spider veins and determine you’re not that brave. You’ll grab your fluorescent orange flip-flops and decide to stop at the drugstore on the way to church. When you reach the drugstore, you won’t be able to find the hosiery section. The only employee you’ll see will be an acne-encumbered 15 year old boy who will stare at your fluorescent flip-flops and call you ma’am. You’ll ask if they carry nylons and he’ll look at you as if you’re speaking ancient Greek. “Hose,” you’ll say. He’ll turn red. “Not your girlfriend, sweetheart, pantyhose.” (It won’t be your finest moment.) He’ll stare at your glowing white legs and stammer that he doesn’t think they have those, but he can check with the manager. You’ll say no thanks and storm out of the store. You’ll check two other stores before you finally find a pair that is twice what you’d normally pay for nylons. You’ll buy them anyway. When you get to church, you’ll scramble into the ladies’ restroom trying to hide your legs. You’ll open the box only to find that the pair you bought is defective and can’t be worn…but it’s ok because you forgot your heels, and the only shoes you have are your orange flip-flops…


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