I…am a conspiracy theorist.
I’ve admitted it.
I am not ashamed.
However, I do not believe in such mundane ordinary conspiracy theories as, “The CIA was behind the attack on the Twin Towers” or, “American Bankers started World War II” or even, “Jefferson Davis sold the Confederacy to aliens from Mars and fathered little alien babies…and that’s why we lost the War.”
Nothing so boring will do for me.
I am a believer in The Great Pancake Conspiracy.
Yep. Pancakes. It’s a trap.
It goes something like this:
Little Miss Perfect over at the “How to Make Picture Perfect Meals and Pictures of How I Made Them Picture Perfect” blog will post about this totally awesome, mouth-watering (I mean, seriously drool-inducing) pancake recipe.
And she’ll post pictures.
And they’ll be perfect.
Beautiful honey-gold disks swimming in warm butter (because these pancakes are sooo good, they don’t even need syrup).
…and I fall for it…every time.
I’ll be convinced that this time – this one time – the recipe will work. My pancakes will be as perfect as the picture. I’ll just know that when I have flipped that perfectly flippable flap-jack, angels will sing. I expect gorgeous pillowy pancake goodness.
But what I invariably end up with is a messy, smoke-filled kitchen and a plateful of charred gooey glumps. (You read that right…charred and gooey. I am so talented, I can burn raw pancakes.)
And then the realization hits me. Of course. It’s the conspiracy. Why didn’t I see it before?
In red-faced shame (that has nothing to do with slaving over a hot griddle trying desperately to turn a quickly hardening disk of destruction that won’t even get on the spatula, much less flip over!) I’ll realize what must have happened behind the scenes…
I can just imagine Little Miss Perfect messaging over to her friend Mrs. Perfect at the “My Picture Perfect Children and Pictures of Them Being Picture Perfect” blog:
“You’ll never guess what I posted this morning!!”
“Oh, you’re so clever and cunning, tell me!”
“A Pancake recipe!!”
“No!!” (at this point, Mrs. Perfect will be shocked at Little Miss Perfect’s daring.)
“Oh, it gets even better…I posted PICTURES!!!”
“You fiend!!” (These bloggers have a very diverse vocabulary.)
“Oh yes! Can’t you see them?! All those little aspiring cooks attempting my pancake recipe and expecting them to turn out just like the picture! It’s hilarious!!”
…and then Little Miss Perfect and Mrs. Perfect sit back in their picture perfect (perfectly clean) houses and have a laugh at us normal, unsuspecting folk…
So, about a year ago, I gave up. I quit. I raised the white flag of surrender to The Great Pancake Conspiracy. I determined I would never again attempt another pancake.
…and then I ran across this. Go ahead. Click on it. See what I was up against.
“How hard can it be?” I thought. After all, I make killer coconut macaroons. (I’m not making that up. Ask anyone. They’re very requested.)
…I should have known…OH, I should have known…It was a dark, circuitous path ending in bitter disappointment…and I have no one to blame but myself…I am yet another victim in The Great Pancake Conspiracy…