I hate horror movies. I see absolutely no reason why someone would pay good money in order to be scared out of their minds. However, since I have four brothers and a brother-in-law who have absolutely no concern for my tender nerves, I’ve seen my fair share of scary movies.
I am always amazed by the stupidity of chicks on these movies. (Cue an ultra-feminist girl-power rant here.) So, lest you find yourself in the midst of a horror movie unprepared, I’ve compiled this handy little guide for you:
1.) Don’t be married/related/friends with any celebrities/politicians/scientists.
This seems like a no-brainer. We all know being connected to important people is hazardous to your health. If your relative is a celebrity, you’ll be kidnapped for a vast ransom. A politician? Kidnapped for political leverage. If you’re related to a scientist, your imminent danger is directly proportional to the importance of their work. He’s studying the mating calls of endangered loons? You’re probably safe. But if he’s just discovered a new biological weapon, you’re toast.
(Fair warning: If any of you people become famous, I’m cutting my connection to you.)
2.) Quit the cheer squad.
Let’s face it. Unless you’re living in a Heroes-type universe where the future of the entire world depends on your survival, being a cheerleader seriously jeopardizes your life-expectancy.
3.) Stay in the car.
Do you know why they never make movies about chicks who stay in the car when their fella goes after the bad guy? Because those girls don’t get killed/captured/tortured/used-as-leverage-against-said-fella. And in all honesty, that would make for a crappy movie.
4.) Don’t babysit at remote locations.
We all know I don’t like to babysit. But on the rare occasions that I do lower my standards, I always babysit at my house. (I have legos, babydolls, 36 hours worth of Pixar movies, and I make a mean PBJ. Bonus: I don’t have to do my makeup.) You want me to watch your kids out at your extremely large and extremely abandoned lake house with no cell phone service? I don’t think so.
5.) Don’t enter the alley.
I actually read this in a book once, but I was so impressed by the logic that I’ve added to it my own personal repertoire of advice. If someone points a gun at you and tells you to enter an alley, abandoned building, or other secluded spot…say no. I’m serious. Say: “Look, I know you think you’re smart and powerful, and all, but I am not about to make this easy on you. If you’re going to shoot me, then you’re going to have to do it in front of all these witnesses. If you’re not going to shoot me, then you can just wander on your little way, no hard feelings. But no way am I going to enter that alley.”
6.) Always carry.
I’m all for Second Amendment rights, but this point has a more practical application. A masked villain is likely going to think twice about trussing you up when you pull an Uzi out of your back pocket. (Confession: I have no idea what an Uzi really is.)
7.) Don’t investigate strange noises.
Again, a no-brainer. If you hear a strange noise in the basement, on no account should you investigate. You should especially not investigate said noise armed only with a flashlight. (Remember that Uzi?) If you hear a strange noise, grab your cell phone – which has full service because you are not babysitting at a remote lake house – and barricade yourself in your bedroom until daylight.
…If I’ve missed any, feel free to add them in the comments.